


Alienation

by Arisusan



Category: X-Factor (Comics), X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Communication, M/M, talking about things they should have talked about like ages ago, tired conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 22:30:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14840399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arisusan/pseuds/Arisusan
Summary: Star needs a while to recharge after running their dark and tragic temporal errands on Mojoworld, so they pass the time by talking. Between repression, skipped classes at human school, traumatic childhoods, and crippling insecurity, there's a lot to cover.





	Alienation

**Author's Note:**

> On the one hand, bless PAD for allowing them to be together as they should be and not subjecting them to the fate of literally every other comic book couple. On the other hand, there are a LOT of things that haven't been addressed that really, really should be, even if it's just brought up to further the drama. On a third hand that I don't have, if we assume that the writing is informed by all the stuff that he seems to be forgetting/inconsistencies that seem to be cropping up, stuff still makes sense, so it's not impossible that it's all meant to be noticeable. Who knows. This is a purely self-indulgent thing born out of the need to see some actual communication between people who wouldn't be out of place in a Bronte novel.
> 
> Also, this was written and edited late at night in a state of exhaustion, so if there are stupid typos please leave a comment so I can fix 'em.

The two sat side-by-side on the metal bench, waiting for Shatterstar's energy to come back to him. They had rested while Alison recovered, then run when she awoke, and taken him — the infant — into the future. Once the child was planted in a thoroughfare near the gestation vats, they ran again, using the old Cadre map of dead zones to find somewhere that would not fall under the gaze of the spineless ones. He had drawn on reserves that had not before been tapped, and now he was spent.

Ideally, he should sleep, but Mojoworld was too dangerous a place to stay. If they were separated…

…they would have trouble. Rictor would most likely be captured and forced back into the games, able to survive but not able to escape. Shatterstar would avoid the games at whatever cost. He would find Longshot, Alison, and the rebels, and stay with them until he was recovered. He would then search for Rictor. The search would likely take no more than a month. After Rictor's location and schedule were known, then the next Alliance hit could free him. If the situation was unfavourable to an Alliance attack, he would use Longshot or Alison to teleport to Earth and assemble a rescue team. They would then return, and find Rictor.

That was the plan roughly sketched in Shatterstar's head. There were variations for each of the likely complications. This was his home. He knew it well.

His head rested on Rictor's shoulder. He did not know how long it had been since the fight over Tier. He did not know how Rictor had come here. He did not want to ask if Rictor had run into that apocalyptic fight immediately after his disappearance, howling for vengeance, or if he had waited and protected what was left of X-Factor until he was unable to dodge the demon's fire. There was a chance that Rictor had weathered the fight, and only months later started to search for him.

He did not know what he would have done in his place. The art of tactics was bred into him, but since the early days with Rictor he had found it difficult to follow through on a strategy where he was involved.

Nor did he know what he wanted him to have done. It was an uncomfortable thought.

They had to escape soon. An hour spent here while he was able to teleport was an hour too long. He should think of survival, and nothing else. Not the gap in his memory, not the terror in Julio's voice when he opened up the gateway.

Just as Shatterstar's mind stopped in its tracks, Rictor broke the silence.

"You know, since we've got time to kill," he said, letting the words out one by one, "Let's have a talk. If you're not too tired."

Speech would slow his recovery, but so would the anxiety that gnawed at him.

"What about?"

"Us. Whatever…" Rictor waved his hands around, as if trying to swat a very slow insect. "…this is. Because now that I think about it, I still don't understand. What you want. What I want. What we need."

Shatterstar had expected this conversation to occur within two months of their reunion after Tier's war. He had not expected it this soon. "I know."

"You do?"

"You tried to fight with me about my definition of 'guide', but we were interrupted."

"Oh. Yeah."

Rictor sounded embarrassed. Shatterstar certainly would be, if he had the energy. Somehow neither of them were fully able to grasp how the other felt. He could not understand Rictor's idea of their relationship, the line in the sand that he applied to Shatterstar but that he did not hesitate to step over for Rahne. He knew that Rictor did not understand the visceral terror he felt when he weighed the facts and decided that it was not impossible that Rictor did not need him.

"Star? I'm not mad."

"I assumed so. I think I also need to understand better. Spending time with the X Factor and Longshot…" He searched for a way to phrase it. He had purposefully sought out his father—his clone—for advice when he realized that there was something he was missing. "Taught me that I still am not human. My skills have not helped me to keep what is important."

Rictor shifted, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer. It was a pleasant sensation, but the feeling it provoked inside him was more painful.

"No. You still have me. And I'm not human, remember? We're muties."

"I do not have you because I kept you. And you share the humans' culture. I do not."

There was a sigh from beside him.

"You're right. You want to go first, or should I?"

"You are less comfortable with your emotions than I am. I will go first."

It was not strictly true. Rictor felt them more keenly and could express them better. Shatterstar still sometimes resented the role they had played in his life, but he was unfettered by human convention, for better or for worse.

"I'm listening."

"You know what Mojoworld is like, now."

"Yeah." Rictor laughed without humour. "Wish I didn't."

"It keeps you sharp. There are thoughts, sensations, tactics, victories, and losses. There is honour and fame. We worked with control and discipline."

"You did. I didn't."

Shatterstar had to smile. Julio was Julio, and he was not a soldier.

"I can find you in the records. Victor, was it?"

"Rictor."

"But you were the victor."

The hum he felt in Julio's chest told him that the clumsy wordplay was appreciated.

"You bet I was. Tell me the rest of the story."

"I followed my training when I came to earth, but things are different here."

"There."

Fingers started to comb through his hair, gently picking apart the matted strands.

"There. You speak in a coded series of lies, but each person knows the code. It is useless. The people I met expected me to volunteer information about myself and my skills, despite the weaknesses it could reveal. Soldiers were not expected to be fighters. Fighters told me they did not want to be soldiers."

"Was that the time when you tried to strangle me with your swords?"

"Perhaps." Shatterstar grinned this time. "My skills were useful, but I was expected to behave in a way that would have had me killed on Mojoworld. I was supposed to learn and predict emotions, as if that was the main thing driving people forward. So Cable taught me."

"I think I get where you're going with this."

"I remember something very strange that happened. I had fought a great battle with the Wolverine, and had been defeated when a human called out my name and decided to end our fight there and then, because of one injury."

Rictor moved, shifting position. That he turned slightly further away must have been unconscious. "If that was me, you remember it better than I do."

"It was someone who looked like you, but who was not my friend and who was barely my ally. You were clearly powerful, and you had assumed a leadership position despite lacking an official rank, so I learned your language to communicate more directly with you. I trained with you, I observed you. By then I had studied the others. Then I saw that your family had been killed and…I needed to use it. I had learned by then that family was important."

Humans make subtle noises or gestures to signal that they wish to speak. They do this to avoid interruptions, which could be read as conflicts. Conversely, when humans interrupt, they often do it to signal conflict. Shatterstar paused his narrative accordingly.

"Listen, I know I said we got plenty of time, but are you gonna go over every time you talked to me? Because that's a lot of times."

"I will tell the story from beginning to end, with the necessary details."

"All right, all right. Just don't make me fall asleep. And lie down, you'll rest up faster that way."

Shatterstar obeyed, and curled up as best he could. Julio's body had hardened from the fights, but he still proved a softer pillow than the bench.

"As I was saying, I felt as if I had to tell you. It make sense to share the relevant information while you were there, yes, but it was none of my concern. I knew that you would likely be informed within days."

It had followed a fight involving an old teammate of Rictor's, Moonstar. Something about that mission had left him unsettled.

"But I told you, and you reacted as if I had struck you. Not because your uncle was dead, but because I had spoken to you. And now I realize…that I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be useful to you. There was some spark of connection that I had not felt before."

"You mean—"

"No, not physical," Shatterstar corrected. "I don't work like that. I remember that after that you would speak to me without prompting, and you would ask me the things that you wanted to know, and you would help me understand the things that I did not."

"I don't think I helped that much." Rictor sounded embarrassed, but he did not understand.

"Trust me. You told me things that had no importance, and each time I felt more of — what it is that humans share. Things that cannot be sensed, but are still felt. Why you chose to help me, or why I showed you any weakness in the first place, I still do not know. I can only thank you."

"Maybe," was what Julio said to that. They both knew that connection was a double-edged sword.

"When you told me we could fight together, I believed you. To be with you was to be stronger. Which meant that I became weak without you."

He noticed that Rictor had stilled, and noticed that his own voice was weaker and cracked. Exhaustion was the culprit, with less of a barrier between his thoughts and his body.

"You know how you don't fear losing something until you have had it." It was not a question.

"Yeah." Rictor's voice was as thick as his own.

"You were my only connection to this world. You have to understand — when I told you I needed you, I told the truth. Then and now. I was adrift in a different time, in a different world, and my mind was changing day by day as it acclimatized. I was  _afraid_."

"You mean you couldn't decide what to do?"

"No. I said you changed my mind. You got in my head, Julio. You altered my brain. I saw new paths forward, new tactics, new ways to achieve goals that had never existed before. My thoughts moved differently. You were  _inside_  me. I think I know now that humans carry copies of each other with them, but that was the first time."

"Oh."

Both their voices were failing, but he pressed on.

"I tried to learn about this world from your media, but you were the one who taught me how to live here. You sought me out and helped me survive. The more and more I let go of my homeworld, the more and more I gave myself to you. I will not resent you for the choice that you made. I know you had secrets that you needed to keep but…"

He trailed off. All his learning could not stop the past from rising up in his throat.

 _My family needs me_.

Untrue. Rictor's family had survived three years without him. He clearly felt some attachment to them, but even the death and injury of his close family had failed to draw a reaction from him. A lie. He had been unable to decode it.

 _I need you_.

True. Since meeting Julio Richter, Shatterstar has been unable to keep any other loyalty, to X-Force or to the Alliance.

 _All you have to do is ask_.

Untrue. What the others had to do was ask; what Shatterstar had to do was die.

"I don't know if you understand what I meant when I begged you to stay."

There was silence.

Julio would take the time he needed to interpret the words, process the information they carried, and formulate an appropriate response. Shatterstar would stare at the opposite wall, too tired to feel the weight of the moment. All that his systems could do was replay on end the despair he carried in his memories.

"I don't think I did." Rictor  _could_  feel it. "Until now."

"I lost my edge." His ability to survive. "Ask Siryn, when you get back. She knows. I was damaged, in a way that went beyond what I lost when my body's memory was altered. I couldn't see the point. I had given up more of myself then I knew and I looked you in the eyes and told you what you were to me and I was afraid and  _I lost you_."

Shatterstar could not help the water dripping down his face, or the rasp in his voice. He was tired.

"Star…"

"I said, I don't blame you." The breath he took did not go easily. "This is just what happened. You wanted to talk about this friendship, and so I have."

"But I shouldn't—I—" Words were strangled in Rictor's throat."I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I felt like I was protecting you. I didn't want you to get mixed up with the family business. I didn't want you to get mixed up with me. I'm such a fucking mess. I thought that the others would be enough for you. And—I swear, I didn't know it meant that much."

Shatterstar listened, remembering the sharp pain that faded into a months-long ache, and said nothing.

"I don't think I would ever have realized it," Julio added quietly. "Not even now."

"This intense attachment…it is not a human thing, is it?"

"It is, but we do it all the time, and we're so used to it that we don't feel it in the same way. Most of the time. It's like pain, to you."

A hand reached down, pressing on his sternum as if he could feel how his heart moved underneath.

"It hurt," was all he could manage to choke out.

"I know." He heard Julio swallow, hard. "I'm sorry, Star."

He curled his fingers around the hand, grabbing at a life line as he tried to catch his breath.

"I forgive you."

They stayed like that for a moment longer.

It was hard to decide to press on, while the memory was still playing in his mind. It was not foolish to show this weakness in front of Rictor. He would only hurt him if he had himself been hurt.

Or if he didn't know.

Shatterstar exhaled.

"I did learn to live without you. That is why I let you go when the Professor called you, later. That is why I was able to return to Mojoworld. Here. I renewed my studies of humanity. I established a connection with our team. They became my friends. I stood by Tabitha when she became Meltdown. I remember every detail of Theresa's combat technique. They are still my friends. We stood together. You and Cable were right."

"They're good friends."

They never failed to do what he asked of them. The problem was that he did not ask much of anyone, except Siryn. And then it was because neither of them had any other choice.

"Yes, I suppose they would be."

Julio would understand. He went on.

"But in doing that I realized that you were different. I adapted to your loss, I…how does it go…I even healed, but there was still scar tissue visible."

"You just say that it left a scar."

"It left a scar. Yes, that sounds right. I explored the dimensions without you, I honed my skills, I discovered more and more of my abilities and I learned who I am, in part and where I came from but — I always needed to come back to you. I grew tired."

"Wasn't there anyone else?" Julio laughed, but what he said next echoed too much across their past to be a joke. "You're not that bad. You could at least find a couple of dates, going around the multiverse."

"No,  _no_ ," he hissed. It wasn't the  _same_. A teammate is not a friend, a stranger is not a teammate, a date means nothing other than an evening's diversion. "You don't understand — physical connection, that is simple. A matter of sensation. The closest thing I can describe is…it's like fighting. Any stranger can do it. I still do not know how humans see it, but it is merely an evolutionary byproduct. Food is pleasant because it ensures survival, sex is pleasant because it ensures the continuation of the species through social cooperation and reproduction. This is different."

"Geez, don't say that around Rahne."

What did Rahne have to do with this? Her adherence to a theological dogma was the one trait that complicated things.

"How does she see it? Is there some base skill level required for Christians?"

"Oh god, no." Rictor laughed again, this time meaning that he had misunderstood something in a way that was not harmful. "They think that you should only try it with the most important people, not strangers. One person, actually."

"Oh. Why?"

"It's supposed to be a symbol of connection. If you do it with too many people, it means you don't care about the one person, or something. Or maybe it's just that their God doesn't like it when people have fun. You're technically not allowed to be rich, either."

Shatterstar's hearing had tuned out by the second line. This was the line of conversation Rictor had been aiming for, he realized. A cunning ploy, to get him to describe his thoughts while dazed and deep in memory, not filtered through any of his own conversational tactics. Over and over, when he thought he had figured out their relationship, it came back to the most arbitrary distinctions. He  _knew_ Julio. Julio's loyalties were split and splintered and what he stuck to was what he needed to stamp out the voices in his head. Sometimes it was Shatterstar, sometimes it was not. Julio  _knew_ him. Now more than ever. He knew that he was not human and would never be one of was not about him. This was about the concept of him, the schema that humans had that he didn't.

"You think so, too."

"I don't—" Rictor was halfway through what sounded like denial when he changed course. He couldn't tell if he was right, or wrong, but there was something that Rictor hadn't said before. "I don't know. Don't know if I'll figure it out before it's my turn. Just tell me what you meant by calling me your guide, if you still think I don't understand. I'm not some kind of emotional vending machine, if that's what you're thinking."

Bitterness had become apparent in his voice, so Star hummed reassuringly.

"I don't understand your metaphor, but that's the point. I told you I had to come back to you. If a guide isn't it…maybe a star. It's what you have been from the start. That is what I meant. I am adrift in time and space and I do not understand these people, but I feel as if I can understand you. A part of you. And through that I can understand the others. Does that make sense?"

"You don't sound so sure of that yourself."

He had to laugh, tired as he was. "See? You understand me."

"Really? I had no idea."

"Yes," he said firmly. "You understand that I am not sure. But I think I know now why you were so upset."

"You didn't know?" Rictor asked dryly.

"I should have asked."

"Go on, then. Something's been bothering you since we had that fight."

"And something has bothered you since before."

This was where he was still cautious. There was another misunderstanding here, that neither of them had talked about and that did not want to come out on the wrong side of.

No, not cautious. Afraid. He had no trouble admitting it.

"I…" His fingers started to tap themselves. Even the smallest movement would prime the body for action in the case of a threat. When facing a strong opponent, stand on the balls of he feet and move the fingers to ensure adequate blood flow. Use your speed to overwhelm them. "I don't know if this is selfish."

Rachel would call it selfish, Chandler would not. Julio had said the FRIENDS were unrealistic. Not real people. But he had no real point of reference for this.

"It's your powers. I expected you to be happy, but…" He twisted his hands around an invisible object. Torsion was the simplest way to break things. "I didn't know how unhappy you were before. No. I could have guessed…whatever. I lost the balance."

Rictor was silent.

"You and Rahne, you had something before. A connection. I respect that. I do not hold it against either of you. But I know…if that had been your child…"

No, that was not what he had meant to say.

"With your powers, you didn't need me, anymore. At least, I don't think so. I asked Layla if I should leave, but she told me not to.  _Don't_ —"

He cut Rictor off with a finger to his lips and a quick hiss, not wanting to lose the train of thought that had built up slowly on its long and winding track.

"—worry. There is honour in servitude," he continued, "And I am quite content to go back to the way we were when we were younger. I will stay. But you no longer need me as much as I need you, and it may take some time for me to learn to do that again. That's what was wrong. And now you know what I meant when I said I needed you as my anchor."

He could not smile. This was what he had thought over for some time, but had been unable to express. There were things he hoped and things he felt were going to happen, different things, so he would have to be content with this small victory over his own words.

But there was one more thing.

"Julio, I'm going to say something that I do not know is true. You can tell me if I'm wrong, and I will never use it to force you to do anything."

"What do you mean, you don't know if it's true?"

"I mean I do not understand it well enough to identify it. A bird is a creature that flies, a bat is a creature that flies, but a bat is not a bird."

Rictor laughed. "And Monet is neither. I think I understand."

"Good," he answered seriously, and steeled himself. This was the conclusion of another hard fought battle with ideas of what is, what should be, and what words he could say that would not twist and betray him.

"Out with it, then."

"I love you."

All that there had been to say, all that could be said, he had done.

What did Rictor have to say? There were things he could guess, possibilities he could account for.

He turned his head, and looked up at Rictor. His…not a friend nor a lover, but both, and more. There was no word for it but " _his_."

And there was no word that Shatterstar knew that could describe the expression he wore. Maybe it showed the feeling at the point after a victory when you realize that you had left an opening at a crucial moment, and that it was luck and not skill or honour that had brought you the prize, and that you could—you  _should_ —have been cancelled. It could be the time he had told Tabitha that it was her choice, and walked away knowing that he could also make a choice, but that it would only be his and no one else's. Hollow. That might be it. Holding together, but about to collapse in on itself.

Their eyes met.

With only a second's warning, Julio unravelled, and pulled him close into a tight embrace.

"Don't worry." He returned the hug, and tried not to think. "Nothing will change."

"You're wrong."

That was what he had been afraid to hear.

"Tell me I am. Please." So much for honour.

"You're wrong. I  _need_  you. And I promise I won't leave you again. Not now. Not after this." His voice broke, then grew quiet, teetering on the edge of a sob. "God, I missed you so much, I—I don't know. I don't know what I would have  _done_  if you hadn't come—"

…

It was out before he could shut his damn mouth. He'd blown his cover.

He shouldn't have said it. Not even whispered it. Star, for all his faults, could hear someone breathing at fifty paces. He was used to it, sure, so he tuned it out, but now—

—it was only them. And Star had pulled away just far enough to catch him in that headlight stare of his.

"Julio, what are you talking about?"

"It's nothing." He tried to look away, but Star's hand moved gently to his jaw, and forced him to face himself reflected. It was all he could do not to flinch away.

"I have told you what affected me, and now I am asking you to tell me, please. I promise, I will listen. I will not hurt you."

Tell him…what? The story, from the very beginning? Or since—he didn't even want to think about it—since M day. Or since he'd seen Star burned by hellfire and felt his heart  _break_ , and not for the first time.

He could barely face himself about what he'd done. How could he expect to face Star?

But then how could he expect Star to face him, not knowing, not understanding, thinking it was  _his_ fault things went so badly because Rictor had decided to lock that away from him?

"Very well." Star let go after a moment's pause, and sat down beside him. Then, he smiled softly. "I'm sorry. You are uncomfortable. And you told me how you felt. That's enough for me."

Would things have been different if he had told him from the start?

"No, it's not."

He owed it to him. He'd hurt him, he hadn't even  _noticed_  and then—what a mess. What a fucking mess. The world had given him back everything he loved after he'd lost it, and he hadn't tried to keep it.

But they could fix it.

"Star, I need you to promise me…you won't get mad." He thought for a moment. "Actually, don't say anything until I say you can. I'm sorry, but I need you to do that. Okay?"

"I swear it."

A gloved hand held his.

He took a breath.

"I tried to kill myself."

It hurt to meet Star's eyes, but he did anyway.

"You have to understand—the world was going to hell. We were falling apart. I lost my powers. I lost everything. I didn't know where anyone was, and I didn't know what to do." It took a moment to line up his tongue and teeth, and say it without shaking. "I climbed up an office tower. Got featured on the local news."

 _I didn't know where you were,_  he said between the lines. Then decided that even that was being dishonest.

"I didn't think you'd be coming back any time soon. No. I didn't think you were ever coming back. Jamie sent a dupe to try and talk me out of it because he wanted to recruit me. Then he called Rahne, and she started yelling at me. And then the dupe pushed me, 'cos he'd chosen the one wild enough to be optimistic. Monet caught me. It got kinda embarrassing for all of us."

He swallowed hard. He wasn't ready to hear it yet. There was another thing he had to explain to Star.

"Human brains…sometimes, they just stop working. Like you were saying, sometimes it changes, and there's nothing we can do about it. Like a sickness. You can fight it, but us…sometimes there's not a whole lot we can do. That's what happened to me. When my powers went…I got sick. Didn't get better. I was sick when I was a kid, too, and—I don't know. Didn't ever talk to anyone about it, but I feel like it's been there all my life. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse."

Was he better now? Yeah. Healed was up for debate.

"X-Factor gave me something to do, and Rahne and Terry were there. Things didn't go according to plan, though. Rahne bailed, we got blown up. I don't know if Jamie told you any of this, but I'll say it anyway. About a month before I saw you, some shit went down at the office. A bunch of cops showed up armed to the teeth and I decided to point a paint gun at 'em and challenge them to a shoot-out. Terry says it was suicidal. Guido, too. I don't know—"

He shook his head, too seized up to say any more. It was a sign that he was getting better that he had it in him to cry. Normally he'd just sit on the couch and stare until the wall tried to get up and walk away.

Star was still silent, but his grip had turned hard.

"You said you knew I was unhappy…that's why. Some of it was the powers, some of it was Rahne, some of it was everything that happened, some of it was the sickness. I was angry at you about…what you talked about, and I still don't have an answer for you, but that was just the icing on the cake. It wasn't you. I think…"

God, he should have said this months ago. Years ago.

"I think you saved me."

A sob welled up and forced its way out, sounding small and stupid in this empty space. He could feel more on their way. Stupid hiccups.

"You made me want to  _live_. I didn't know…when I got my powers back I swear, I didn't know what I was doing." Now the words just fell out, jumbled and senseless. "But — Star, I was so angry. I thought you were dead. It was weeks. Months. I thought—oh God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you."

There. The cat was out of the bag, screaming and hissing all the way. Star…oh, wait—

"Sorry. You can talk now. I'm…"

The tears were so bad he could barely see Star. Just the black mark and red hair. Some battered old thought hauled itself out from behind a cardboard box in the dingy basement of his mind, telling him that Star should grow it out again.

"…sorry."

It was Star's turn to hold him. He'd missed this. Too much.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Star hummed something, low and soothing.

"I will forgive you."

They stayed mostly still, small movements like Star's hand stroking up and down his back only serving to highlight it. Rictor waited until his breathing was steady before he started again. He'd made a fool of himself, sure, but he had to hold on to the tiny bit of dignity he had left.

For the first time in a while, his chest wasn't full of something rotting and constricting. He could breathe.

"I'm okay, now."

Piece-by-piece, they separated, but now—oh,  _no_. Oh God, no. Now he could see the look on Star's face. If it were someone else, he'd kill the one who did that to him.

But the only times he'd seen Star that upset, it had been him that did it.

" _Why?_  Why didn't you tell me something so important?" Shatterstar demanded. It was the fighter speaking. "Don't say that I didn't ask.  _Don't_  say that to me."

"Because I was scared." Star deserved a true answer. "I didn't tell any of my teammates, either, or talk about it. They just knew. A lot of humans do it. I hated being weak. I hated not having the guts to step off that ledge."

"No. Don't say that." It was almost a snarl, something animal. Star didn't bother to hide his own panic.

"I'm telling you the truth. When you came back…I felt like it was going to get fixed. I was better. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, when we were together. I thought that if I didn't bring it up, it might…go away." He had to laugh, just a bit. "But I guess it didn't. It just made me get angry instead of trying to talk to you."

"You did try—"

"Not as hard as I should have. Maybe you didn't, either."

Star took him by the shoulders, and pinned him down with a look.

"Tell me, the next time it happens. The next time I hurt you. We will change what happened."

"I think we just did."

"Yes."

"But you have to promise me, too. That you'll say when I hurt you. Even if it seems selfish, or if it's something you haven't seen on tv."

This made Star laugh, which made him smile, and realize that he was an idiot.

"Julio?"

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean, when you said you thought I was dead?" Star asked softly.

It struck hard, knocking him off that momentary cloud and back into reality. Star had got his memory loaded back into him, but Arize hadn't said if he'd erased his time on Mojoworld, like resetting the drive and uploading a backup copy, or had just added it on to what he'd done in the intervening weeks.

"Star…how long do you remember being here? Since we got teleported."

"I don't know. I remember leaping into battle, and arriving — they must have wiped my memory as soon as I proved to be a threat. Then I woke up, and saw you. It must have been some time. Our hair grew out…"

It sounded as if he had realized something. Rictor let him decide for himself, what it meant.

"No one else is here. They would have seen me disappear, and retreated until a ranged attack could be made." They locked eyes again. "You ran into the fight, after you saw it. You thought…"

"I couldn't think. I tried to open up the earth, and I  _would_  have, I was so angry. He just laughed, and the next thing I knew, I was here."

He shrugged. What else was there to say? That he spent every day for weeks, months, just believing and at the same time not even trying to hope that Shatterstar was out there. That they could find each other.

"And you didn't see me."

"Not until you tried to kill me—"

Star's eyes shot through with panic.

"No, it's okay, you didn't do any damage. Longshot took you down. And I can handle myself."

"Julio, still, I should have known you."

"You couldn't. Besides, I was…so  _happy_  to see you, you have no idea."

"I do have an idea," Star insisted. "When I was at my weakest, and I did not know who I was or whether I was a threat, and I was almost alone again—you came for me."

"You're right. I remember. Listen, I learned something from that. I can't lose you. Ever. I can survive without you, sure, but it's hard to live. Maybe I can learn to do that, too, but I won't want to."

"I'm sorry. I never imagined that you would feel the same way. I failed to understand."

"We both did."

"We are not absolved." Star looked troubled.

"Nope. But we can learn."

"Yes."

They were silent for a moment, when Star swayed suddenly, not able to catch himself before Rictor got to him.

"Woah, you all right?"

"Yes, I am. I don't know why I lost control like that."

"I think it was because since you woke up, you've teleported us three times, got born, wiped your mom's memories, sent yourself to grow up in a living hell, and had to relive the worst moments in both our lives. That'd make anyone tired."

Star blinked at him, then nodded.

"You're right. I'm going to lie down again."

"'Night."

"It's still day." Star curled up, resting his head on Rictor's lap again.

"You know what I mean."

"Yes. I do."

"I love you."

Even just saying it under his breath was dizzying. He'd been terrified of it, as if he wasn't past the point of no return so long as he didn't say it out loud. Bullshit. It had just festered in him, and turned bitter as he kept it and crushed it down and tried to ignore it.

"And I love you."

Star closed his eyes, and smiled.

It had been a while, but Rictor remembered the name for the liquid light that filled his rib cage and spilled over the top. This was happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> Just want to clarify a couple of things that I picked up from canon that are kind of up for interpretation.
> 
> 1) When Star first comes back, he refers to their relationship as a 'friendship'. Given Star's obvious lack of a schema for relationships and Julio's being in denial for literal years, it's not unlikely that they never really established firm boundaries for what it was they had.
> 
> 2a) It's more obvious that Star hurt Julio by hitting on literally everyone, but when you think about it, there's no real reason for the line between 'cheating' and 'not cheating' in Western society to be physical involvement. Obviously, it's a dick move, but once Julio bothers to fully express his feelings, Star stops his behaviour except for the two times he thinks Rictor's going to leave him (when Rahne comes back and when he gets his powers back). I have a lot of issues with the way the whole plotline was written, but with a bit of creative interpretation it makes a lot of sense. So even though it seems more one-sided to the audience, they both hurt each other badly.
> 
> 2b) When he's talking to Theresa before she has the kid, Rictor says Jamie should marry her, because it's what he would have done. FFW to when Rahne comes back, tells him it's his kid (also a dick move, another plotline whose treatment I've got problems with but n e v e r m i n d that), and even though it's clear to the audience that he's firmly attached to Star, he more or less ditches him for Rahne and commits himself to her. Then, when the powers come back, it's made more explicit that Star feels like Rictor will leave him for Rahne. So: Ric feels threatened by Star's liaisons, because he's a kid raised in Western human culture, and that's cheating, and Star feels threatened by Rictor's close friendships with others, because that's the one aspect of a relationship that takes the most time and effort to build, and so for Rictor to share secrets and jokes with Rahne means that Star is replaceable and is being replaced, which to him feels like cheating. What can you do.
> 
> 3) There's no real basis for this other than that fact that we didn't see it happen, but I'm 85% sure that Rictor's never told Star about how bad his depression (and possible cocktail of other mental illnesses) got.
> 
> 4) Waaaay back in X-Force, when Rictor's leaving and Star's freaking out, it always struck me as a purposeful thing rather than a proofreading error that right after Star says 'I need you' Rictor's like 'anyhow, if you need me, just drop us a line'. Ouch
> 
> 5) (not really relevant to this piece but) Also back in X-Force, it's never exactly clear why Rictor's got such an issue with the mind-reading thing apart from the obvious teenage paranoia. I'm going to go out on a limb and (speaking from the experience of having been a teenager) say it was 30% teen angst, 20% fuck Cable he's a bitch, 20% needing to figure out what to do with his family and taking the opportunity, and 30% terror at Cable finding out anything about his (lack of) love life (both Tabs and Star)
> 
> 6) Just based on the demographics of Mexico, I'd say that Ric was raised Catholic


End file.
